It is a beautiful day in Oceanside and I am grateful that I live here. Horace is sleeping and I am watching Cops. What a life, huh?
I have opened an account on GoFundMe. It is a website for people to beg for money. I really had to think about doing it but thought maybe it is a lesson in humility to let others know that my financial life is non-existent right now. I keep telling myself that there is a perfect job waiting for me and this is a passing phase but the odds are that the job I can do is being filled by a much younger person.
It never occured to me that I would get old. What young person really can fathom what getting old means? It is a never ending cycle of increasing vulnerability. My lungs are bad, my back is bad, my hair is thinning, and I am fat. Hmmmm. That sounds pretty negative. I guess what I am thinking is that I can not believe I would actually live this long. I think that there are plenty of good years left to be of service to my fellows, regardless of my physical status. My mind seems to be working pretty well. Even though it takes me much longer than my younger colleagues to move around, I seem to be able to keep up with most of them mentally. That is something to be grateful for. I am glad my mind is flexible enough to hear new ideas and opinions, sift through them, and accept that there are new ways to navigate through life. I also know that some of the ideas that I learned along the way have value and were learned through my personal experiences.
Life moves along and it moves in a unfathomable fashion sometimes. I hope that I will not be evicted and that whatever is supposed to happen I will be able to accept it without too much complaint.
My friends tell me God has a plan. I accept that and know deep within me that it is true. However, sometimes I become frustrated because I do not know what the plan is. So, I put up the website to get some help and hope that those that have helped know how much I appreciate them. I also have applied for many jobs and so far, none of them have panned out. I will be starting a part time job on campus in August and going to school full time. I will be working with children and that will be fun. MiraCosta has a great day care program so I am sure I will be learning new things everyday.
I hope that I will be in better circumstances one day and that I will be able to pass along what has been given to me. I do not consider that the other circumstances in my life are bad. I have wonderful children, many friends, and a loving family. The blessings that are in my life are boundless.
So I am running headlong into the breach and life is never boring.
Love to you all.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Wow, time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? I can not believe the turn around in my life in the past 3 years. That's right, it will be 3 years on June 7th that I have been unemployed. I am seriously looking for work again since I have no money for the summer but I am hoping the market has opened up enough that I can find something to sustain me and Horace until the Fall semester begins. I have enrolled in college and am finding that it is difficult and sometimes overwhelming but I love the interactions with my peers and professors. Of course, there are moments when I think, "What the hell am I doing here"? I guess I am finally grown up enough to work toward something and hope I am able to keep pushing through until I get there. What am I pursuing? I am working toward a degree in Psychology so I can work with Marines with PTSD. Letty, the counselor, also gave me a couple of options regarding the degree I should pursue. It looks like I can get an Associates of Liberal Arts with an emphasis in Science. I think that sounds impressive. After that I will hopefully go to CalState San Marcos to get my Bachelors, etc. One step at a time.
The counselor at MiraCosta told me to eliminate the negative thinking and just do it. Hmmmm...that sounds familiar. Peg would have given me that advice. Although, she would have said, "Just do it a day at a time." So, my fear of math has put me behind schedule but hopefully I will be able to get caught up next semester. At least, I tested into college English although I took English49 this semester and am really glad I did. The professor is amazing and the class refreshed my memory enough to improve on my academic writing. I can't say my creative writing has improved, though.
One amazing event took place last year when Neya graduated from MiraCosta. I am so proud of her. Neya is the busiest person I know. She began SDSU last fall and is working her ass off going to school and running her own business. Catalyst Massage is going well and there are now three massueses to choose from. I have always been astounded at Neya's capacity to work but am so happy she found the self-confidence to open her own business. Keep your eyes out for her monthly specials. Getting a massage from Neya is a real gift.
Another busy person is Kiya, my youngest child. Kiya opened an online shop on Etsy and is always coming up with different crafting ideas. I think many of her "pieces" are fabulous. Of course, she is also working at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and running around with her friends. Kiya marches to her own drum and I like that. My drum has always sounded a bit offbeat. I know my offspring are the masterpieces of my life. I love my children.
Another big event in the last 3 years was losing Peg Wehler. She was my mentor, friend, and confidante. I really miss her. May 1st was her birthday and I have been thinking about her a lot this month. She died September 3, 2013. I am grateful that I was able to be there for her in the last couple of weeks of her life. I always was available to her but going to school really impacted how often I could see her. Peg gave me hope throughout our association. She raised 8 kids and whether they believed she did it well, she gave them everything she had to give. Peg was not an affectionate person but she loved deeply and I knew that she loved me. I loved her sense of humor because it was based in the reality of life. I don't think she ever took herself too seriously and that reminded me to relax and go with the flow.
Too much has gone on in the last 3 years to write it all down, but suffice it to say, I am happy and filled with hope. I am also grateful I am able to feel "hope" and all the other emotions that come along with life. Peg is the person that helped me change my thinking, which changed my feelings, which changed my behavior.
I need to get my ass in gear and study for finals so hopefully, I will be able to write a tidbit here and a tidbit there until I catch up with this blog. If not, it is not a big deal.
I hope my friends are enjoying their day. I send prayers and love to all of you.
Mitik'u ye O'yasin.
The counselor at MiraCosta told me to eliminate the negative thinking and just do it. Hmmmm...that sounds familiar. Peg would have given me that advice. Although, she would have said, "Just do it a day at a time." So, my fear of math has put me behind schedule but hopefully I will be able to get caught up next semester. At least, I tested into college English although I took English49 this semester and am really glad I did. The professor is amazing and the class refreshed my memory enough to improve on my academic writing. I can't say my creative writing has improved, though.
One amazing event took place last year when Neya graduated from MiraCosta. I am so proud of her. Neya is the busiest person I know. She began SDSU last fall and is working her ass off going to school and running her own business. Catalyst Massage is going well and there are now three massueses to choose from. I have always been astounded at Neya's capacity to work but am so happy she found the self-confidence to open her own business. Keep your eyes out for her monthly specials. Getting a massage from Neya is a real gift.
Another busy person is Kiya, my youngest child. Kiya opened an online shop on Etsy and is always coming up with different crafting ideas. I think many of her "pieces" are fabulous. Of course, she is also working at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and running around with her friends. Kiya marches to her own drum and I like that. My drum has always sounded a bit offbeat. I know my offspring are the masterpieces of my life. I love my children.
Another big event in the last 3 years was losing Peg Wehler. She was my mentor, friend, and confidante. I really miss her. May 1st was her birthday and I have been thinking about her a lot this month. She died September 3, 2013. I am grateful that I was able to be there for her in the last couple of weeks of her life. I always was available to her but going to school really impacted how often I could see her. Peg gave me hope throughout our association. She raised 8 kids and whether they believed she did it well, she gave them everything she had to give. Peg was not an affectionate person but she loved deeply and I knew that she loved me. I loved her sense of humor because it was based in the reality of life. I don't think she ever took herself too seriously and that reminded me to relax and go with the flow.
Too much has gone on in the last 3 years to write it all down, but suffice it to say, I am happy and filled with hope. I am also grateful I am able to feel "hope" and all the other emotions that come along with life. Peg is the person that helped me change my thinking, which changed my feelings, which changed my behavior.
I need to get my ass in gear and study for finals so hopefully, I will be able to write a tidbit here and a tidbit there until I catch up with this blog. If not, it is not a big deal.
I hope my friends are enjoying their day. I send prayers and love to all of you.
Mitik'u ye O'yasin.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hello, my friends.
It has been a difficult time for our nation, watching the news coming out of Newtown, Ct.
I feel so horribly sad at the loss of those 20 children and the 6 adults. I wonder at the courage of those teachers and can feel the terror of those children as they crouched in corners and bathrooms away from the bad man and his guns.
There are a lot of people in our society who self-medicate to function in this society. Alcohol and drugs to calm their anxieties, obsessive tv, reading, hobbies; anything to calm themselves so they can function. I wonder if the Media has considered that anyone can become a "shooter". Few people, whether they are mentally ill, disabled or "normal" have the capacity to detach from their fellows enough to kill them.
I don't pretend to understand the workings of the mind and that is not the point of this blog. I feel that all of us, at one time or another has had enough rage to harm another person, but there is some connection within that does not allow us to step over the line and kill.
I am very concerned at the media reporting the shooter was autistic and prone to violence.
My son is autistic and has been known to have "violent" episodes. Those episodes were directly connected to some change in his environment that challenged his ability to cope. I can not imagine that he could ever pull the trigger of a gun. His inability to function in our chaotic world apparently caused his outbursts and yet they were few and far between. He lives in a residential facility and they are organized and precise....bath at 6:15 am, breakfast at 6:45, work at 7:30, etc. This gives him comfort and he manages very well. He will never function appropriately in our society. It is too chaotic and frightening for him. So we made the decision to move him into a facility when he was 15 years old. It is important to understand when a fellow human being needs something we don't. The home he lives in is geared toward his needs as I said, with calendars and schedules he can check. Knowing what is happening is the most important thing in his world. The other thing about my son is his behavior is always geared towards his self-preservation. I don't think he has the capacity for suicide. The man who killed those children knew he was going to die and that is directly opposed to autistic behavior that I have experienced.
The horror of those babies dying strikes a deep chord within and now we want to know why.
I don't know that finding out why really helps....it is a way to finger point. If they had done this then that wouldn't have happened. Every time there is a mass shooting, people come out looking for why and I don't know that it matters. If we found out why, what would we do about it? The children are still gone and it will happen again.
I believe that we no longer want to help those people who have mental illness, our country has eliminated housing and medical care for them. I see them everyday on the street. We used to care for our citizens with mental illness. It took months of searching for my son to get into an appropriate home and there are a lot of people waiting to get their family member help. It takes an extreme amount of perseverance to get through the system. It also takes years to maneuver through the maze of bureaucracy. Some people give up and live with an unpredictable person, hoping that they will make it through one more day without consequence.
I know it seems that these events are happening more and more but I think we have always had horrible things happening but now it is blasted on every channel as soon as it happens and continues on in great detail so that it seems unending. The networks had coverage yesterday well into the afternoon. It was mind numbing and shocking.
I will pray for those families that they are given the strength from their God to carry on. I will pray for the family of the shooter that they are given the courage to continue and I will pray for all of us that we will honor those who have gone on before us.
It has been a difficult time for our nation, watching the news coming out of Newtown, Ct.
I feel so horribly sad at the loss of those 20 children and the 6 adults. I wonder at the courage of those teachers and can feel the terror of those children as they crouched in corners and bathrooms away from the bad man and his guns.
There are a lot of people in our society who self-medicate to function in this society. Alcohol and drugs to calm their anxieties, obsessive tv, reading, hobbies; anything to calm themselves so they can function. I wonder if the Media has considered that anyone can become a "shooter". Few people, whether they are mentally ill, disabled or "normal" have the capacity to detach from their fellows enough to kill them.
I don't pretend to understand the workings of the mind and that is not the point of this blog. I feel that all of us, at one time or another has had enough rage to harm another person, but there is some connection within that does not allow us to step over the line and kill.
I am very concerned at the media reporting the shooter was autistic and prone to violence.
My son is autistic and has been known to have "violent" episodes. Those episodes were directly connected to some change in his environment that challenged his ability to cope. I can not imagine that he could ever pull the trigger of a gun. His inability to function in our chaotic world apparently caused his outbursts and yet they were few and far between. He lives in a residential facility and they are organized and precise....bath at 6:15 am, breakfast at 6:45, work at 7:30, etc. This gives him comfort and he manages very well. He will never function appropriately in our society. It is too chaotic and frightening for him. So we made the decision to move him into a facility when he was 15 years old. It is important to understand when a fellow human being needs something we don't. The home he lives in is geared toward his needs as I said, with calendars and schedules he can check. Knowing what is happening is the most important thing in his world. The other thing about my son is his behavior is always geared towards his self-preservation. I don't think he has the capacity for suicide. The man who killed those children knew he was going to die and that is directly opposed to autistic behavior that I have experienced.
The horror of those babies dying strikes a deep chord within and now we want to know why.
I don't know that finding out why really helps....it is a way to finger point. If they had done this then that wouldn't have happened. Every time there is a mass shooting, people come out looking for why and I don't know that it matters. If we found out why, what would we do about it? The children are still gone and it will happen again.
I believe that we no longer want to help those people who have mental illness, our country has eliminated housing and medical care for them. I see them everyday on the street. We used to care for our citizens with mental illness. It took months of searching for my son to get into an appropriate home and there are a lot of people waiting to get their family member help. It takes an extreme amount of perseverance to get through the system. It also takes years to maneuver through the maze of bureaucracy. Some people give up and live with an unpredictable person, hoping that they will make it through one more day without consequence.
I know it seems that these events are happening more and more but I think we have always had horrible things happening but now it is blasted on every channel as soon as it happens and continues on in great detail so that it seems unending. The networks had coverage yesterday well into the afternoon. It was mind numbing and shocking.
I will pray for those families that they are given the strength from their God to carry on. I will pray for the family of the shooter that they are given the courage to continue and I will pray for all of us that we will honor those who have gone on before us.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Well, hello all my followers....I think that is Neya.
I have been unemployed for 17 months.
I have been very depressed, apathetic, unsure, motivated, expectant and any other emotion you can think of in the past year and a half. Up and Down.
This is one of the most interesting journeys I have experienced. I am learning a lot about myself. I do have a very deep connection to my God, Usen. That has been a remarkable benefit of being unemployed. I do believe that all my lessons are blessings and hope that I am learning what I am supposed to from this one. I know that I am able to communicate what I have to offer to an employer and have been able to verbalize it appropriately. That has been a big awakening for me.
For years, I said how I felt, which is not what is acceptable in the workplace. I did not know that. The women in my life have taught me all the appropriate behavior that I did not learn as a child. I am sure that my family tried to teach me the socially acceptable ways of the world but I was badly damaged when I got to them and I am just now finding the mature way to navigate in our society.
I have been able to interact with normal people and found myself helping with the Obama campaign. I called voters in Ohio for a few hours and it felt good to actually participate as a citizen. I really didn't have a negative response to people who voted for "the other guy" because it was a clear indicator that we live in a free country.
Life is much more interesting and I have hope that my next job will be a good one. Hopefully, being of service to something or someone that brings me joy.
Mitikuye' O'yasin.
Walk In Beauty.
I have been unemployed for 17 months.
I have been very depressed, apathetic, unsure, motivated, expectant and any other emotion you can think of in the past year and a half. Up and Down.
This is one of the most interesting journeys I have experienced. I am learning a lot about myself. I do have a very deep connection to my God, Usen. That has been a remarkable benefit of being unemployed. I do believe that all my lessons are blessings and hope that I am learning what I am supposed to from this one. I know that I am able to communicate what I have to offer to an employer and have been able to verbalize it appropriately. That has been a big awakening for me.
For years, I said how I felt, which is not what is acceptable in the workplace. I did not know that. The women in my life have taught me all the appropriate behavior that I did not learn as a child. I am sure that my family tried to teach me the socially acceptable ways of the world but I was badly damaged when I got to them and I am just now finding the mature way to navigate in our society.
I have been able to interact with normal people and found myself helping with the Obama campaign. I called voters in Ohio for a few hours and it felt good to actually participate as a citizen. I really didn't have a negative response to people who voted for "the other guy" because it was a clear indicator that we live in a free country.
Life is much more interesting and I have hope that my next job will be a good one. Hopefully, being of service to something or someone that brings me joy.
Mitikuye' O'yasin.
Walk In Beauty.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Slow on the uptake
Well, I really suck at this. I thought since I had so much time on my hands, I would be able to keep up with this but blogging seems to evade me.
Nothing has changed in the last 8 months. I am still unemployed. Of course, I had to challenge the EDD but I won and then had to wait to see if Congress would allow for the extension and I won....but what I would really like is a job. So I guess I don't win.
I thought maybe Charlie Sheen and I had something in common for a minute.
I really find that days go by so quickly now. I thought they would slow down but that isn't the case at all. I do get out and see people and places now and that has been Very nice. It seems that I let a lot go by the wayside just because I was employed. That sucks. Hopefully, that is a lesson learned. Job or no job, I should be able to have a life. It's sad to think that just to make a living wage I have to find time to be with people I love. What is the point of working after all. Isn't part of it to spend time and money on family and friends. Why should I spend my life making enough money to give to people I don't know and shun those who mean the most to me. I bet Sears, Target, SDG&E will not be at my funeral.
Anyway, I hope to be employed in the near future and it will be something that allows for a life.
Walk In Beauty, y'all.
Nothing has changed in the last 8 months. I am still unemployed. Of course, I had to challenge the EDD but I won and then had to wait to see if Congress would allow for the extension and I won....but what I would really like is a job. So I guess I don't win.
I thought maybe Charlie Sheen and I had something in common for a minute.
I really find that days go by so quickly now. I thought they would slow down but that isn't the case at all. I do get out and see people and places now and that has been Very nice. It seems that I let a lot go by the wayside just because I was employed. That sucks. Hopefully, that is a lesson learned. Job or no job, I should be able to have a life. It's sad to think that just to make a living wage I have to find time to be with people I love. What is the point of working after all. Isn't part of it to spend time and money on family and friends. Why should I spend my life making enough money to give to people I don't know and shun those who mean the most to me. I bet Sears, Target, SDG&E will not be at my funeral.
Anyway, I hope to be employed in the near future and it will be something that allows for a life.
Walk In Beauty, y'all.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Bacon Waffle
So, Kiya, Neya, Mario and I went to the Breakfast Club for food. This is the new restaurant on the corner of Pierview and Coast Highway in O'side.
Neya posted a picture of the bacon waffle on FB and I have been thinking about it ever since. I can now confirm it is delicious. The food was really good and the waiter, Orion was exceptional. I sampled Mario's Crunchy, Munchy French Toast and it was fabulous. Neya had Eggs Benedict and Kiya had an amazing Pineapple Teriyaki Burger. Wow!
We enjoyed ourselves even though Kiya was mocking me which she does often....in her humorous fashion. I think the laughter attracted the waiter to join in. He was very accommodating and professional, a good combination in a food server.
I'm going to let the "Handbags" know this would be a good place to go for lunch. So, I will Be Back....which is a phrase made famous in the 80"s. So there, Kiya.
Its a great day to hang out with family and friends.
Peace Out, Y'all!
Neya posted a picture of the bacon waffle on FB and I have been thinking about it ever since. I can now confirm it is delicious. The food was really good and the waiter, Orion was exceptional. I sampled Mario's Crunchy, Munchy French Toast and it was fabulous. Neya had Eggs Benedict and Kiya had an amazing Pineapple Teriyaki Burger. Wow!
We enjoyed ourselves even though Kiya was mocking me which she does often....in her humorous fashion. I think the laughter attracted the waiter to join in. He was very accommodating and professional, a good combination in a food server.
I'm going to let the "Handbags" know this would be a good place to go for lunch. So, I will Be Back....which is a phrase made famous in the 80"s. So there, Kiya.
Its a great day to hang out with family and friends.
Peace Out, Y'all!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
It's Sunday
It is Sunday and another weekend has almost passed.
This has been a real transition for me since I worked every weekend for over 13 years. I understand that people usually plan things for the weekend and I guess I should start doing that. To be completely honest, I took a Sunday off here and there every year. I had 5 days of vacation a year and usually opted to have a Sunday off when there was a party I just couldn't miss.
Some people go to church on Sunday but my church surrounds me everyday so I don't have to plan a special expedition. As a matter of fact, the Hummingbird was chatting around me this morning when I let Horace out to run. Hummingbird has flown around me since I got fired. I can see the diversity and changing direction in my Life but I am beginning to feel the Joy of being free.
I mailed out the appeal form to EDD on Friday. So I guess I will start calling them next week to try and expedite the process. When I think about all the paperwork and the beauracracy, I feel fear but when I focus on the Medicine in my Life, I know that the Creator is there and everything will fall into place as long as I do the footwork. Aho!
I hope all my fellows facing the same thing are continuing the footwork. Life is never boring. I'm trying to enjoy that although I think wishing someone an interesting life is a Chinese curse.
Peace Y'all
This has been a real transition for me since I worked every weekend for over 13 years. I understand that people usually plan things for the weekend and I guess I should start doing that. To be completely honest, I took a Sunday off here and there every year. I had 5 days of vacation a year and usually opted to have a Sunday off when there was a party I just couldn't miss.
Some people go to church on Sunday but my church surrounds me everyday so I don't have to plan a special expedition. As a matter of fact, the Hummingbird was chatting around me this morning when I let Horace out to run. Hummingbird has flown around me since I got fired. I can see the diversity and changing direction in my Life but I am beginning to feel the Joy of being free.
I mailed out the appeal form to EDD on Friday. So I guess I will start calling them next week to try and expedite the process. When I think about all the paperwork and the beauracracy, I feel fear but when I focus on the Medicine in my Life, I know that the Creator is there and everything will fall into place as long as I do the footwork. Aho!
I hope all my fellows facing the same thing are continuing the footwork. Life is never boring. I'm trying to enjoy that although I think wishing someone an interesting life is a Chinese curse.
Peace Y'all
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